


Nightmares from the Void

by riverkiefer (orphan_account)



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Abuse, Anxiety, Crying, Depression, Emotional Abuse, Episode AU: s02e13 Doomsday, Episode Fix-It: s04e13 Journey's End, Episode: s02e13 Doomsday, Episode: s04e13 Journey's End, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/No Comfort, Nightmares, Post-Episode AU: s02e13 Doomsday
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 14:49:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7718986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/riverkiefer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rose clung to the lever with all her might, but she still fell towards the Void. This time, no one was able to catch her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nightmares from the Void

**Author's Note:**

> hiya! I've been inspired to write a thing with multiple chapters and actually finish it! I hope it turns out well, because I'm kind of just winging it c: enjoy!

This is how every nightmare starts for Rose. It's always the same moment in time when she let go of the lever. Her muscles were aching, begging her to let go, to just give up and let the suction of the Void take her. But she couldn't do that, could she? Leave her Doctor all alone? No, she was determined to hold on. She wouldn't be selfish. She would not give in.

But the Universe had other plans. And she did let go. The relief that came from no longer pulling against the wind was short lived. She was screaming then, and everything seemed to move in slow motion. She could hear the Doctor yelling her name in a desperate attempt to keep her with him. In that moment, she thanked every god out there that she had gotten to spend even a fraction of a second with the man she loved. She could never thank the Universe enough for even gracing her with the presence of this man who changed her entire life. But that moment was fleeting, and what followed was pure hatred. Anger. She became livid with the Universe for giving her something so beautiful, and then ripping it away because her human body couldn't resist the pull of the Void.

No one saved her. Her hair whipping about and her screaming drowned out, she fell into the Void. Over and over again, she had the same nightmare. She beat herself up over it every chance she got. How stupid she had been to let go, how selfish she felt for leaving the Doctor all alone. Deep down, she knew it was highly unlikely that it was her own fault, so instead she blamed her body. And the Universe?  _The Universe can go fuck itself._

The Doctor once told her that the Void was just nothingness. Empty. No up, no down, no time, no light. But he had failed to mention, that even though some people called it hell, that it was so much worse.

Her nightmares are always the same, different settings sometimes, different curse words, different scenarios in which she lets the Doctor down. There was nothing in the Void but herself and the Doctor, or at least, that's what she called him. Because this man in her dreams, he was not the Doctor. He  _isn't_ the Doctor. He couldn't be. Would her Doctor say such things to her?

Again, she's slumped against the white wall, in her same blue jumper she's been wearing for who knows how long. She's in the place she hates more than anything in the world. The one place where she truly, truly let him down. She'd stay still against that wall for five and a half hours, every nightmare. It's always the same, this bit. She'll wait five and a half hours, and then he'll show up. But it's not her Doctor.

No, the Doctor would never yell at her. Never curse at her. He would  _never_ hit her. But like she had to keep reminding herself,  _this isn't the Doctor._ Because no matter how many times he called her selfish, or blamed her, or cried in front of her to make her heart break, she knew that this wasn't him. That these were just nightmares. Of course, Rose Tyler's only nightmare in her own personal hell, would be the Doctor hating her.

After the five and a half hours of waiting, he always appeared. Wearing his brown pinstriped suit and his white chucks, he would walk towards her crumpled form, slumped against the stark white wall. He almost always glared at her, made her shy away from his betrayed gaze. He didn't have to say anything for her to start apologizing. Just him being in her presence made her break down and cry.

"Shut up."

Every time, he told her to be quiet. To stop blubbering like a child. To grow up, to face up to what she had done. She tried to stop her crying, every single time, but without fail the tears would spill over. She reached out to him, begging him to hold her, to tell her that it wasn't her fault, that he had forgiven her.

But he never did.

"Your apologies mean nothing to me, Rose. Nothing. _You_ mean nothing to me," he snarled, and she pressed herself harder against the wall, begging to be anywhere else.

"You're just a child, Rose. Your human life is so fragile and fleeting, your existence would be gone in an instant to someone like me. I could do so much more! So much more! But no, I got stuck with  _you_. You pathetic little ape."

She shook her head, pleading for him to stop talking like that.

"You can't ever escape this, Rose. This is your fault. You deserve this hell. I can't believe I ever even asked you to travel with me. You've made so many mistakes. You've  _ruined_ me, Rose. Everything you touch just  _dies!_ " he yelled, and she started sobbing again.

"I am so  _sick_ of your whining!" He slapped her across the face then, and her crying ceased. She took in shaky breaths and kept reminding herself that this, this  _isn't_ the Doctor. The Doctor would never do this. He _loved_ her.

But the longer she stayed trapped in the Void, the more she began rethink her ideals. Slowly, this darkened version of her lover chipped away at her resolve. Begging her to break, to finally just kill herself. Of course, she couldn't. She couldn't do anything in the Void but take crap from the man who showed her all of time and space. That didn't make her want to do it any less though.

"Please! Please, Doctor! Let it go! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do this, I didn't want to let go, I'm so sorry, so sorry..." she trailed off, and his fury grew even more.

"That is not my name! I am not the Doctor, Rose!" He pulled her up by her shoulders and made her face him. He shook her hard and whispered quietly, "You killed the Doctor."

She shook her head, protesting his words. He was wrong. She didn't do this. This wasn't her fault. "NO! I didn't do this! Let go of me!"

"YOU did this, Rose! The Doctor is DEAD and it's  _your_ fault!"

She finally went limp in his grasp, not knowing what to believe anymore. All he did was twist her words. Made her believe that the Doctor was the one that was killed. Though technically, she wasn't dead. God, how she wished she were dead. Then she would finally have peace. The Void offered no peace, only stripped her away until her soul was bare.

The nightmares would end when she killed the Doctor. Each nightmare, he forced her to kill him. He came at her until she finally snapped and used Bad Wolf to burn him up. Then, she earned a few short moments of peace. Then she would wake up in another nightmare. Those few moments are what kept her going for who knows how long. She's lost track of time. Nothing matters anymore. Not since she let the Doctor down. She failed. Her mission was to make the Doctor better, and how could she do that from hell? She wasn't anything to him anymore. Nothing. He would move on in an instant, at least that's what she was told.

She woke up again, this time in the console room of the TARDIS, and set her internal clock for five and a half hours.

oOo

"ROSE! HOLD ON!" He knew that his screaming efforts were doing nothing to help the blonde as she held on to the lever, but he just felt so useless. Everything felt like it was moving so slowly, he could see the exact moment when her resolve cracked. She wasn't going to be able to hold on long enough for the Void to close. He panicked, only capable of staring as time sped up again.

He still remembers the exact shade of her jumper. That beautiful blue, standing out against the white of the Torchwood base walls. He remembers their last smiling moment, when he called them the old team, Shiver and Shake. And he remembers, oh very distinctly, her screams as she fell. The moment her fingers released the lever. The moment when she disappeared into the white nothingness, and how empty his hearts felt.

The Void closed, sealing Rose Tyler inside of it. He stood breathless for a moment, not believing his eyes.  _This can't be happening. Oh, don't do this to me. Don't do this to me._ He walked up to the white wall and placed his hand on it, trying to feel her presence. He got nothing. She wasn't on the other side of this wall in the parallel universe. She was trapped in the middle.

He let Rose go to hell.  _His_ Rose. The one person in the Universe who loved him more than anything. The human who threw away the chance of living with both her parents just to be with him. The girl who promised him her forever, and now couldn't keep it.

What tore him apart more, was that her family would never know. They would believe that she was alive and well, traveling happily with the Doctor. But it wouldn't be the truth. He'd have to find a way to tell them. But he couldn't dwell on that too much, because now his hand had slipped from the wall, and tears began their descent down his cheeks.

He didn't cry much, hardly ever. But when he did, he knew it was because he had lost someone important. Someone, so, so important. And he never told her. Well, that wasn't exactly true. He had told her, in lingering stares and prolonged hugs and hand holding. In laughter and crying and smiling. In saving her life and showing her the Universe. That was how the Doctor showed Rose Tyler his love. Because he didn't need words. How could words describe how this pink and yellow human made him feel? They couldn't. Words couldn't even  _begin_ , but actions, they showed everything.

He waited there, staring at that horrid white wall, for exactly five and a half hours. That was how long her told her to always wait. He hoped maybe, just maybe, if he waited that amount of time, that she would come back. That by some miracle, she would fight her way back to him. Because that's what she did. That's what she  _always_ did.

Not anymore.

Rose Tyler was gone, and the Doctor felt nothing but numb.

**Author's Note:**

> My social media:  
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/riverkiefer  
> https://www.facebook.com/riverkiefer/  
> https://www.instagram.com/rivercosplay/


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